Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
