the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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