I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
