I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
