You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
