So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
