dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
