And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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