Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
