I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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