i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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