Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
