Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
