thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
