ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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