You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
