Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
