if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
