I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
