Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The best revenge is premature balding
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
