Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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