Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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