im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We're too hungover to prance.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
