i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
