you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
