you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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