covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
