Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
then he tried to convert me to islam
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
