i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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