i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
cat food counts as protein by the way
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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