I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
