By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
