you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
