She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
