As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
