There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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