Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
