need another drink. this is the easiest way
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Randomize
