Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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