I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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