I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
