There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We have started to decorate penises.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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