I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
