so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
