I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
