lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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