He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
