she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
