She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
