So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
