i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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